Difficult Conversations

I’m debating what, if anything to say to a friend who has pushed past all friendship boundaries and is not hearing what I am saying. She is self-absorbed, inwardly focused and often talks so much I find myself making a grocery list in my head.
I have another friend who is making me uncomfortable with her need to pick up the check whenever we are out. And not just for me, but for the entire table. It makes me uncomfortable because I, too, want to be generous. I just want to choose when I’m going to be-I don’t like the forced-ness of it. Then that thought makes me feel bad!
Is it worth it to say anything? If I do, will it change anything? The friendship? What are my goals here? Is the conversation even necessary?
Most of us do not like confrontations and will do anything in our power to avoid them. A difficult conversation CAN feel like a confrontation, but it doesn’t have to. Not all conversations have to be difficult. Most of the time according to Jessica Kutcha Miller, MA Counseling Psychology, JD/licensed attorney, EdD candidate, and certified organizational ombuds practitioner (CO-OP®) she suggests, asking ourselves why a conversation isn’t moving in the direction we thought it would go. When this happens, stop and ask yourself why.
Recently I participated in her workshop, “Difficult Conversations” at The Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis. I was fascinated by her problem solving skills (which she assures me can be learned) and how calm and centered she was. In short, she considers herself to be an empathetic problem-solver who facilitates the construction of meaning within a community of learners.
Humans are a community of learners, of which I belong. I wanted to learn as much as possible.
We aren’t mind readers, so ask yourself, “What am I thinking?” when you decide to have a conversation. Clear communication is priority. In addition, decide if it’s worth it to have a conversation that might not result or resolve how you want.
When you take the time to re-visit the idea of tackling a difficult conversation-you’ve decided the relationship might be worth it. Reframe and try to assess the energy that each person is bringing to the discussion. Its okay to back off and say, “Now isn’t a good time.”

Kutcha-Miller has more ideas: Decide if the conversation is even going to happen. Is the method a good idea? Sometimes an email is the better way to go, capturing your intent and ideas that you are trying to convey. Think about the goal of the conversation and ask yourself: What do I hope will happen? Do I want to invest in this and what is the cost of saying something? Most conversations need to remain brief, informative and friendly while we remain firm in what it is we need. If you decide to pursue the discussion, another strategy Kutcha-Miller says is to try saying, “I want to talk with you about something that bothers me and not sure what to make of it,” It’s important to have talking points. Nothing ever goes well if you don’t know what you are going to say because you haven’t thought about what you want to say or how you want to say it. Always use “I” messages: “I was uncomfortable when….” setting boundaries, being direct. Using “I wonder” statements offers everyone the chance to ask if they are being heard, are they listening with intent, what might be frustrating and what might keep you in the conversation.

I’ve had a difficult discussion where I indeed remained firm, focused and thought I was crystal clear. The other person refused to acknowledge my experience stating, “That can’t possibly happen.” When I heard this after the second conversation, I decided to walk away from the friendship. I didn’t formally “end” it; I just don’t reach out and try to only be with this person in a group situation. My expectations were not met, I didn’t feel honored or heard and so I decided to let go.

In addition, someone might want to have a conversation with me that I don’t want to have. If the person persists or asks why, a simple “because I’d rather not” should suffice. You shouldn’t have to explain why you are not comfortable or why you don’t want to talk about it. Rather than explain, attempt to shift the conversation to another topic. I have actually used this with a friend who thought it was perfectly okay to tell me all the mistakes I made as a parent. I calmly looked at her and said firmly, “I don’t want to talk about this”. The point was made.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone says to me, “We will just have to agree to disagree.” To me, this is a signal that they are done and not offering clarity. I look at disagreements as ways to bridge the gap and understand differences. I am NEVER about changing someone’s mind because honestly, in a discussion with disagreements you are most likely not going to change mine. I don’t want to be yelled at, bullied or manipulated. I honestly want to hear what you have to say AND I want to be heard.

For me it always circles back to, “Is it worth it?” “How much do I want to hold someone responsible for?” and “How much do I want to hear?” Sometimes it’s better to continue forward. In many situations ask yourself how open you are to feedback. Not everything needs to be discussed. Kutcha-Miller reminds me, “Can you live with the dynamics of the relationship/friendship and the repercussions of setting boundaries for yourself in terms of listening, opening the lines of communication or in some situations walking away?”

You may be wondering what I decided to do? In the first instance, I let it go. It wasn’t worth it to engage because I was pretty sure this friend would never hear me. In addition, it’s been nice to be free of her drama. In the second, I’m thinking about what I’m going to say. My sister reminded me that if I say nothing I will continue to be miserable. And I reminded my sister that I worked too hard to find my voice not to use it. I’m always practicing boundaries these days. And so even in difficult conversations we find ourselves asking about boundaries-our own and other people’s.

We are just human after all. Sandy Tomey reminds me, “Everything can be figured out with great communication. Be curious.” We want our voices to be heard. We want to be listened to. And I truly believe the healthiest of us want to understand how to communicate in an appropriate, respectful way.

Here’s to difficult conversations getting easier with practice.

I’m gonna make it after all.