May 23rd holds special significance for me. It is a day of happiness, celebration, peace. It was hard-earned and I will carry the battle scars with me forever more. May 23rd represents the day I really became free.
The day I liberated myself legally from a marriage that was unhealthy, toxic and negative.
I understand intellectually, that as I’ve lived, survived and thrived this year, May 23rd is a legal emancipation and that my real freedom began that day I knew I needed and wanted to be free, go forth and stand tall and strong in my center. In my power. With my cape, shield, bracelets and boots on the ground.
Yet in our society we celebrate anniversaries, birthdays and arrival days. I’ve been celebrating this divorce since the moment the papers were signed. I was stunned. I looked at the lawyers who hugged me and didn’t know how to feel. Was it really over? Was the legal battle to be free done? I laughed, I cried, I talked. I walked. I danced. And then I danced a little more. For weeks anytime I was with friends and Warriors we celebrated. It was a happy time. They, too, had fought the battle with me, standing side by side as we looked into darkness.
And then there was light.
Even though papers were signed by all parties involved, including a judge it took until July 7th for everything to be completely settled, because even then, the thief I was formerly married to was still playing a power game that was over. My lawyers had to get back involved. My financial team had to go above their pay grade in order to access what was mine.
And what was mine was mine. Free and clear. I would never recoup all of the funds this liar and thief had stolen, hidden and tried to give away. I would end up paying legal fees in the amount that could fund a small third-world country for three years. My lawyers had done their best, but in the end, there was a lot that couldn’t be accounted for in the years that this former spouse spent freely while locking me out of all accounts and changing passwords. In fact, for over a year I lived on a credit card while he freely helped himself to marital funds. Time and again this was brought to the other legal team’s attention. Luckily, I had a legal team that could do math, wanted to see me treated fairly and had their boots on the ground.
Here’s where I am now.
I have the choice with what to do with my past. I can’t ever change the fact that the wolf in sheep’s clothing I married lied, cheated and stole. I can’t change the fact that he forged my name on documents twenty years into the marriage and started a secret fund in his name only funded with marital assets. I can’t change the fact that twenty years into the marriage he changed a will that not only cut me out of everything but actually stated that. I cannot change the fact that someone broke into the house I was living in, (sometimes taking things), and once even tossing my bedroom looking for something. I can’t change the fact that my season tickets to the Muny have been high-jacked. I can’t change the fact that normal, every-day parenting/mothering was turned against me to create an unhealthy, untrue narrative.
I cannot change the fact that I was married to a very unhealthy narcissist. Who choose to drag kids into a legal battle and use them in his fight. I cannot change the fact that this thief continued to move money around without my knowledge or consent and lies to the kids about what was and is happening. The process of alienation started long before I became aware of the lies and narrative being used to suit his needs. When you see and hear something often enough and are too young, inexperienced and scared to ask questions and trust your heart, unfortunately you accept this as truth and act on it.
There are NEVER too many people who can love our kids.
I cannot turn back time.
What I can do?
I can learn from my past, not get stuck in it; learn the lessons and continue in my journey of healthy, fun, light, kindness and purpose. I’ve felt those feelings, but I’m not going to get blocked in those feelings. I am strong. I’ve handled what I had no idea I could handle. I can simply move forward and not let any of the past (or present crazy) get to me. I refuse to project onto my present or my future the toxicity of my past. I was bullied and didn’t trust my gut or my instincts.
I trust them now. I trust me, I trust my gut.
Since I’VE been gone… I can breathe…I’m so moving on. I’m a bad-ass Warrior.
The people in my world, old friends and new can see this new light….and I can, too. It feels amazing. This is what freedom is. This is what it’s like to make my own choices, stand in my power, and believe in myself and the life I’m choosing. Me? I’m going to be okay. I already am….one day at a time. One step in front of the other. Energy and focus on the positive. Kindness and love are always the answer.
No journey is easy, and I understand that. However, I also know that life is what I make it. How I respond to the stressors in my world. Over the past two years, especially this last year, I’ve grown into a woman I am proud of. I’ve shaken off the past in more ways than one. I know who I am. I know the mother I was and am. Nobody ever can take that away from my kids and I. I will continue to live in the light; sending out love and prayers, listening to the messages around me from teachers of all sorts and the Universe. I continue to sparkle…
May 23rd holds special significance for me. It is a day of happiness, celebration, peace. It was hard-earned and I will carry the battle scars with me forever more. May 23rd represents the day I really became free. It’s time. I’m going to dance right through my life.
I’m gonna make it after all.