On a Wednesday in October, I realize for the first time, with surprise, that I’m no longer waiting.
Instead I’m choosing.
It’s the yoga, the hard work, the thinking, meditating, listening, and asking questions, dancing, doing, breathing, digging oh-so-very-deep, the Warrior Sisters and Chuck. I exhale. And feel myself exhale yet again.
The thought falls into my head in the middle of a busy day and yet, I know it’s true. I’m no longer waiting. At some point the waiting disappeared.
I’m inhaling, exhaling and living. Making choices, living with these same choices and I know deep in my soul and my heart…I’M NO LONGER WAITING.
This is big.
This is HUGE.
For so many years, I felt as if I was waiting…not living at all. I felt at the mercy of other people’s choices and decisions. NO MORE. I’m exhaling on my own.
For so many years, I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. And believe me when I say, that other shoe almost crushed me. The intention was to squash and quiet me. It did for a while. It left me always wondering…when when when.
A brilliant Warrior reminded me that “that shoe” will always drop. But THAT is NOT my world. Not anymore. I can’t control narcissist crazy and really, I refuse to think about it. When it happens, and it will, it will continue to….I will exhale.
There are other areas in my life where I now feel and know I am living. No longer holding my breath for other people to make choices. I AM THE ONE MAKING CHOICES for myself. BIG exhale on that! We might not even think this is happening as we negotiate our way through our day and life. Making choices is a bad-ass way to live. And can be scary. However, what I’ve learned by experience is that I would rather be on my own, making my own choices because that’s part of my truth. In addition, choices and negotiation can be positive when you have the opportunity to choose and negotiate with real partners, real friends, those who have your back. Eye opening for me.
I also realize that I’m not playing by the rules of others anymore. I left that old me in the rear-view mirror. The truth has always been right in front of me, in my heart and my soul. I just lost site of the horizon for a while because I forgot to exhale. I now keep the horizon with its incredible views right in front of me. It’s part of my true north. One this same day when I realize I’ve exhaled I’m outside at night and as the stars begin to emerge, they are twinkling at me. I exhale.
Trust. Maybe that’s it. I am trusting more. I’ve put a lot of trust in myself, the Universe and the intentions that the truth sets us free. The truth shows us the way. Exhaling into this, I send positive messages of energy and love to those who need it from me….even if they don’t realize it. I will continue to do so with every fiber of my being.
On the same day I realize I’ve exhaled, I wake in the middle of the night and I hear myself say, “You are here.” Like on a map. I actually see the little red arrow: “You are here.” Not there. Here. I have to trust that this map which I’m creating will continue to show me the way. Though I’m incredibly direction impaired, something tells me with this map, I know the directions. Always have. Always will.
Like my house, my systems haven’t quite meshed yet….it takes a while. And during this time I am understanding that transition equals transformation (thank you Jennifer Cooper for reminding us). Transforming into a Warrior I am proud be. I am more awake and alive than I’ve ever been. Energy, hope, love and truth assist with this transition, transformation and map reading. I am building the future, no longer waiting for it. I choose. I read the map.
The universe continues to enlighten me. On the same day that I’ve realized I’ve exhaled this arrived via e-mail from Brave Living:
“Dear Moving-Forward Girl,
Sometimes things happen in life that are very unfair and very painful…things that make us want to drop everything and tell our side of the story. We want to shout from the rooftops about what happened and how it got portrayed unfairly.
Just keep being you. Just keep moving forward. Keep focused on where you want to end up and who you want to be with and how you want to feel.
Don’t ever let a situation turn you into someone you are not. Be you. The truth will always reveal itself.
You are strong enough. Be true….and just keep being true.”
Who knows what the next phase will bring any of us. Whenever I get overwhelmed, I think, it’s not the end…it’s just right now. Trust the map. Continue to exhale. Be my own truth.
I’m gonna make it after all.